Out and About with your Dog

Dog Jokes

Here are a selection of clean dog jokes that have made me laugh - hopefully they'll have the same effect on you.

These clean dog jokes have been taken from various sources which I've acknowledged at the bottom of the page. Some have been sent to me by friends and visitors to the site.

Click here for Dog Quotations.

I've tried to avoid jokes that put certain dog breeds in a bad light and have steered clear of bad language for the sake of our younger readers.

For Kids' Dog Jokes click here.

Click here for a hilarious comparison between the Cairn Terrier and the Mac Computer (yes really!)

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Let's kick off this page with two of my favourite jokes.
First of all The difference between dogs and men.
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

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And secondly How dogs and men are the same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

This next dog joke is called Liver and Cheese. I saw this on the Dog Friendly Britain Forum.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

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This one made me laugh a lot so thanks to my friend Simone for sending it to me.

'Dog Joke': How many dogs does it take to...... These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


Excerpts from a dog's diary

Day number 180
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My favourite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
5:00 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5:30 PM - Oh boy! Mum's home! My favourite!

Day number 181
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My favourite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
5:00 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5:30 PM - Oh boy! Mum! My favourite!

But it is not all like this...

Day number 182
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog Food! My favourite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The garden! My favourite!
1:30 pm - OH NO! BATH ... HATE IT!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
5:00 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5:30 PM - Oh boy! Mum's home! My favourite!

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And now Excerpts from a Cat's Diary. ..

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Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously not very bright.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

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New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Dog Joke: 'Smart Dog'
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse tied round his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several minutes and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys."

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Dog Joke: 'Woof Woof'
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

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Dog Joke: 'Soap and water'

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed anyway.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. "Yes," she replied,"they're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Dog Joke: 'The Seeing Eye Dog'
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way in the establishment.

The waiter said, "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here."

The man indignantly claimed, "I'm blind! This is my seeing eye dog!"

"You're trying to tell me," said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"
"What???!" cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Dog Joke: 'A Trip To The Cinema'

A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny scene the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.

This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying in all the right places.

A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"

"It certainly is," The dog owner replied, "he hated the book!"

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The Guide Dog
A blind person walking down Yonge Street in Toronto commanded his dog to turn right to what he thought was the subway entrance. He had miscalculated and found himself completely disoriented in a dead-end alley. A passerby saw his dilemma and asked if he could help.

"Yes, thank you," said the blind man, "I was trying to get to the subway."

The man leaned over to the dog and said slowly and distinctly into the dog's ear, "Take... him... to... the... subway."

(Unknown guide dog trainer, reporting the story as told to him)

Here are some quickies from the Dog Jokes for kids page!
Kids Dog Joke 1: Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician?
When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.

Kids Dog Joke 2: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic ?
His bark was much worse than its bite !

Kids Dog Joke 3: What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ?
Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!

Kids Dog Joke 4: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog ?
Dingo Starr !

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Credits and thanks

Dog quotations.com
Dog Friendly Britain Forum
Kim's Kritters
Comedy -zone.net

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