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Dog Jokes
Here are a selection of clean dog jokes that have made me laugh - hopefully they'll have the same effect on you.
These clean dog jokes have been taken from various sources which I've acknowledged at the bottom of the page. Some have been sent to me by friends and visitors to the site. Click here for Dog Quotations. I've tried to avoid jokes that put certain dog breeds in a bad light and have steered clear of bad language for the sake of our younger readers. For Kids' Dog Jokes click here. For Dog Facts For Kids click here. Click here for a hilarious comparison between the Cairn Terrier and the Mac Computer (yes really!) Visit my other site for Dog Themed Birthday Party Ideas as well as Dog Party Invitations if your dog is having a birthday party!
Let's kick off this page with two of my favourite jokes.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
And now Excerpts from a Cat's Diary. .. 
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously not very bright. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several minutes and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys."
Dog Joke: 'Woof Woof' An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Dog Joke: 'Soap and water' A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed anyway. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. "Yes," she replied,"they're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!" Dog Joke: 'The Seeing Eye Dog' A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way in the establishment. The waiter said, "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here." The man indignantly claimed, "I'm blind! This is my seeing eye dog!" "You're trying to tell me," said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" "What???!" cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Dog quotations.com
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